We're gearing up for The Birthday tomorrow. It'll be the first one N has celebrated without being surrounded by friends and family. Usually we're at a cabin or camping and those make the BEST birthdays.
We're going for a train ride this weekend. His actual birthday is tomorrow and I am getting balloons and the whole bit. There may just be only the three of us, but it can still be a party. He's been getting excited and sometimes a little sad as the day approaches. That's so hard for my heart to take. I understand how he feels but still I try to bring him back to the present and the fun things we have planned. It does seem to help. Him.
I'm the one struggling to live in the present. I'm holding memories and dreams and glossing over the days as they come. I'm struggling this week because everyone is going to "the cabin." Without us. Someone else will be manning the fire. Someone else manning the kitchen. Patting the burgers. Cutting potatoes with my Mom. Another kid is taking Nicholas' train ride. Oh, it's not that I expect everyone to quit having fun or not to do those things. But I feel left out. Left behind. Forgotten and replaced. And I know it's not true. But it can be so hard to be so far away.
So, now I have to follow my own advice and steer myself the way I steer Nicholas. Into the present. Into the wonderful things in my life right now. We NEED to be out here. We NEED this job. We NEEDED to take the reigns of our life and find stability and independence. It isn't easy, but it is where we need to be.
And tonight I'm going to wrap presents and bake a birthday cake. No store bought cakes for my family. Darn them. I did my best to talk Nicholas into letting me buy a really cool cake. No dice. He likes the cakes we make together. They aren't pretty but they are full of love! Tomorrow, waffles for breakfast. Saturday a train ride through the snowy canyons and dinner at Outback.
And a happy birthday for my boy.
Happy Birthday to him. We always just do stuff as the four of us since my parents passed away and the kids' were both born in the winter (it's hard to plan anything in Jan or Feb, due to the weather). I'm sure he will have a great time on the train and hanging with the two people he loves most. :-)
ReplyDeleteI feel you, Amy. I'd like to say the "left out" feeling goes away, but it doesn't. You do find ways to cope with it, however, and it sounds like you are doing a great job!
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