Finding a way...

I've just been a mess this last few days. The yard sale was successful...enough. I've been washing and gathering and packing for our trip to the beach! We so need a vacation. I intend to wring every single drop of relaxation, family time and fun that I can out of these few days on the coast.

I've been feeling frustrated with my life. Which, I know, is crazy. I'm THE luckiest woman in the world and should just get over myself already. I am not really frustrated with MY life but with the life of the community I am in. I'm sick of seeing everyone on the phone all the time. Of walking in a neighborhood where no on says hi. Where kids are too busy inside playing video games to even see the light of day. I'm sick of how obsessed people are over their stupid grass.

I sometimes feel like I'm too country to live here but not country enough to go back home. Jamie asked me last night where I was the happiest, as he's been feeling the sheer weight of living in the city as well. Of all the places we've lived, where was I the happiest? I'm not sure and it requires some thought. There are always good and bad things about everything. So, you know, that requires some thought.

I think we will feel a lot better once we get out of the city and the suburbs a little bit. The city is quickly become a place you don't want to be. There is a shooting or two almost every day. And the suburbs can get stifling. 6 backyards all butted up next to each other. Life in a fish bowl. We knew we would have a hard time with it. And we know we shouldn't have done it. Shouldn't have moved to a neighborhood like this. Everybody has a big house. A nice car. A lawn service. And here sits little ole us. We drive Chevy's. We just kept hearing everyone's voices but our own saying we needed to get our kids in a neighborhood where they could ride bikes and play with friends. And here we sit. We ignored our own voice to do what everyone thought we needed. We forgot for a minute that we aren't the kind of people that make friends wherever we go. We are introverts. We like being together. We like being with our kids. We don't jump into social situations and become the life of the party. We should have listened to ourselves. We did this. This is the choice we made. The place we decided to make work. And we know that we have to make the best of our situation. We have to figure out how to make this work. We are out of chances. No more moves, jobs, towns....this is our landing place.

We won't sit around and be miserable. We won't hide from disapproving neighbors. Our kids will go out and play and scream. Our yard will continue to be cut with a hand-me-down mower. My girl will continue to hide in the fancy formal landscaping in the back yard. And we will step back and make the best of our situation. For as long as we can.

And we will find ways to cope with our fishbowl. Ways to escape it. We will make this our home and do our best to enjoy it.

We simply have to find our own way here. Within our boundaries but pushing on the limits. We'll find our way.