I can't believe how quickly the summer has flown by. I can say without a smidgen of doubt that my kids have had a completely exciting and amazing experience. We've been on the farm almost 6-weeks now and they have enjoyed every exhausting mud-filled minute.
And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I have learned a LOT about myself and what I want for the rest of our lives. I've learned some valuable and, frankly, surprising lessons. Jamie and I stand in agreement 100% certain of the direction of our future.
I've learned that we're best when we are together. We have, through our adventures and all our moves and job changes, become a team. And we all feel it when we aren't together. I'm no good as a single parent. It's too hard. I can't sleep. I rarely cook. I am barely keeping my head above water. There is never ending chaos and I'm shoveling snow in a blizzard.
I'm not the loner I thought I was. I desperately miss people. Just KNOWING there are other people around. When the night falls and the absolute darkness closes in and I am up on this hill and I am totally isolated, I don't find it restful or freeing. I hate it. I just want to know there are other people around. I feel the full weight of watching over and protecting my kids and I can't turn myself off. I can't sleep and let my guard down. Plus, I just miss talking to people.
When the world gets too much and I'm tired of talking and had enough of people, I will love it here for that break. Weeks at a time. Maybe a month in the summer. I have learned that I could not live this full time. And that is a valuable lesson because I have always thought I wanted to. I would have always wondered. And now, I know.
I've learned Sarah is not a loner either. She is NOT like her brother. Nicholas could happily live the life on the farm. He's so happy here. Sarah, not so much. She is having a ball but she needs other little girls. Someone to play with and enjoy. She likes to go shopping. She needs a dance class and a pretty room with tea parties. She is enjoying throwing apples to the cows and running the hillsides but going into town is her relief. We could do summers and weekends, us girls, but the full time farm life is not for us.
I've learned that I HATE all the work. We thought we'd have bonfires all the time and play in the woods and take long walks but there is never any time. Ever. Part of that is the condition this house is in. 20 years of neglect is hard to fight. The land has tried to take it back over. There are so many holes in it it's like living in a tent. There were 1000s of mice living in here at one time and we have worked our fingers to the bone, my Dad, brother, husband and me to clean up. And you know what? We keep finding more and more mess. We've gotten rid of the mice through poison and traps and removing their food source but we'll never get it done. Jamie and I found more old nests and piles in the basement this weekend. And we are just so DONE with it. And it isn't healthy. We've been trying to seal the basement off so it won't recontaminate the upstairs but then we find new holes. And we are just so DONE with it. We decided this weekend that we just give up. I am going to get the kids out of here before it gets cool enough that we have to close up the house for the winter. We'll go stay with my folks.
I can't undo the sale of our house or moving in here. The kids have had so much fun. And they are oblivious to the problems, which is how it should be. They will only know they had a fabulous time. But Jamie and I, we are tired. We can't patch any more holes or spray any more bleach. We have hazmat suits and respirators. THAT'S how bad it was. I really have a hard time getting past it. I lay awake and night wondering if I'm hearing something in the walls.
But the work isn't limited to the clean up. And that's where I've learned the most. I want our weekends back. I don't want to spend all day cutting grass. I want to do stuff. Or hang out. Or just GO somewhere. I love the woods. I love the country. I love being out in nature. But I will flat-out admit that I don't want to do all the work. We've decided we need nature and woods in our life. We need a camper. We have missed ours so much. And we can give Nicholas the outdoors he needs and we can enjoy our bonfire and sitting under the stars without having all the work waiting for us.
In a surprise twist of events, we have gone the exact opposite way I thought we would when we started this whole adventure. We've decided to build a house in the suburbs. In a neighborhood no less. It's going to be new and shiny and big. There is going to be room for school, playrooms, sleep overs, game rooms, and a pretty kitchen. A new kitchen. There will be sidewalks and people. We will be in a community and we will be invested in the neighborhood and our neighbors. And we will buy a camper. It will take 1/2 an hour to cut the grass. We can load our camper and go wherever we want. We can take vacations or go away for a weekend and know that it's OK. There isn't a ton of stuff waiting for us when we come home. There won't be any projects for a while. That fixer-upper we thought we wanted is NOT going to happen. I'm not patient and Jamie is busy and we'd rather pay a couple hundred a month MORE on a house than to spend money all the time on projects.
We've also learned, we don't want to "chuck it all" and run away. We've spent almost 15 years together building Jamie's career. Making sacrifices and moves and having stress. But we've done it as a team. I've supported him and made it easy for him to move where he needs to. I've listened and encouraged. He's worked and proved himself over and over again and we just can not walk away from that. So, hard as it was to accept, West Virginia is not going to be our home. It just can't be. Our future isn't here. Our kids' futures aren't here. Not anymore. We have to stop trying to live two lives and commit to what we have. The great, wonderful, exciting life we have.
It's still months and months away. I'm going to stay here a little longer but then the kids and I are going to go stay with my Mom. We've worked out some details. Nicholas will be a little disappointed but then again, he's got school starting next week so his days of complete freedom are over anyway. He's had an entire summer without responsibility and with nothing but farm-y fun. Besides the fact that this place isn't going anywhere. We'll have it for weekends, hunting season and summer fun. We've just learned, we can't live here. It's not who we are. We've changed and grown. I'm so thankful to have had this chance to live this life and to learn about ourselves and what we want. So very thankful. Now, I just can't wait for that life to begin!
It's been a long time coming.
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