Let's make a deal....

I had to strike a deal with my husband last night. I promise to stop talking about how much I hate Utah every couple hours and he promises not to forget how much I hate Utah and to continue to work on that transfer.

At the time it seemed like a fair enough deal. Honestly, I felt like if I let up for a minute he would forget how much I wanted out of here. I'm not sure what we're going to talk about for the next 3 months but I guess we'll see.

The thing that I am not sure he understood, and that I took time to finally explain is that while I am some degree of homesick, I'm not looking to go back home. I don't expect or even really want to get back to WV right now. While I am sure I would take it if it were an option, I'm aware enough to know it isn't. I'm OK with that. I'm not looking for the impossible. I just want to be on the other side of the Rocky Mountains.

I just want to be somewhere where I can see a future for us. There is nothing, no future for us in Utah. I think Utah is stunningly beautiful. I love the weather and the scenery. I love the west. It's alive with color and mystery. We just simply will never be part of the culture here.

I just wish this was different. I wish airfare hadn't risen nearly 50% in the time we've been out here. I only agreed to move this far away if I could still go home any time I wanted. It's now nearly $1000 for Nicholas and I to fly home. That's just the two of us and that isn't doable.

I just wish we could take this wonderful job and move it somewhere else. We're finally in a position to settle down. We could have a real life. Make friends, have BBQs, watch our son run wild with his buddies. But that will NEVER happen here. And all I want is to be settled. To have a home. To root for a home team. To put the Christmas tree up in the same place every year. I just hardly remember what that would be like.

But for now this is it. And I have to try to honor this deal we made. I have to trust him to take care of this. Surly this is some kind of test for me.

I hope I pass.