My secret...

I have a deep dark secret.

I HATE breastfeeding. There I said it. Well, I'm not really breastfeeding, I'm pumping. Every 3 hours. That would be 8 times a day I have to hook up to an electric pump and watch my breasts get squeezed into unnatural shapes. It's annoying. It hurts like hell. And in the middle of the night when I just want to feed my baby and go back to sleep it makes me want to scream.

I do it because I can. She won't take the breast. It would be so much easier if I could just walk around with her "on the tit." But after all the time in the NICU with a bottle, doing it the old fashioned way just takes too long for her. She simply won't do it.

AND I noticed that at night, if I've had any sort of caffeine, getting her to sleep is impossible!

The selfish Amy part of me just wants my body back. I mean, haven't I done enough? I had problems with my sugar, my blood pressure sky rocketed, my liver quit, I tried to bleed to death, and now I have a blood clot in my leg and my ankle is the size of a tree trunk. I just want to sleep bra-less, to not scream in the shower when the stream hits a sore spot, to stay asleep when Sarah is asleep without waking to pump. I'm selfish.

The Mommy part of me knows that breast milk is best. That I can do this for her. That I want to do this for her. My son was on formula and he managed to survive but he had such bad reflux. And had it for years. And he had 11 ear infections before he was 1. So, I'm trying. Hoping to do this and hoping that it works for her.

But, the deep dark truth is, there are 4 cans of formula in this house. In the middle of the night they call my name. I'm pretty sure that is the intention of the formula companies when they give you the free formula in the hospital. Let you take it home, get sleep deprived, get frustrated with a baby that won't latch and have that golden can of formula sitting there like a savior.

How long will I resist? How long will I stay strong? How much more of my body will I give up before I break? It's a waiting game.