Not much change.

On one hand, it's been a LONG two weeks, on the other hand, it's flown by. I'm so ready to bring Sarah home. I miss Nicholas terribly. I'd like to have both my babies home with me. Visiting the NICU is such a surreal experience. I spend most of the day there, doing whatever part of her care they will let me do. I love seeing her and being with her but I hate going there. I hate being told what to do, how to do it, how to be a mom to my baby. I get so frustrated when she won't eat and they have to put it in her tube. That just means another day in the NICU.

I hate when the nurses speculate about her going home "soon." Then something always happens to sit things back. This morning the nurse thought she might go home at the end of the week. But, then her bilirubin came back high, so she may go back on the lights. Another delay. I'd really rather they just not speculate. I've made peace with the weekend of the fourth of July. Of course I'd be beyond excited for her to come home earlier than that. But, just don't speculate. I know you are trying to be encouraging but, you aren't. Really. You are just making things so much harder.

And, oh my goodness, do I miss Nicholas!!!! I miss his singing and talking and I miss the messes and the laughing. He's having a ball but I miss him every single moment of every day. He's been the center of my world for 8 years. Not having him here is an adjustment, to say the least. But at least I know he is in good hands. He's being loved on, he's getting lots of attention and he's having much fun. I know this because he tells me when he has 5 minutes to talk to is Mommy.

Otherwise, things are pretty much just the same. We're holding on and hanging in there. It's so incredibly stressful. We are just trying to keep it together.